


Thirty Days of Kisses

by oratorio



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: 30 Day OTP Porn Challenge, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-04
Updated: 2016-11-13
Packaged: 2018-08-29 01:08:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8469901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oratorio/pseuds/oratorio
Summary: A series of drabbles featuring Jane Shepard and her pilot.
These are written for the 30 Day OTP NSFW Challenge, one chapter per day.





	1. Cuddles (naked)

Jane Shepard had forgotten about how cold it could get planetside, until she woke up one morning naked and shivering, her skin like ice. Turning over on the mattress, she came face to face with her pilot, rolled up in the duvet like a hotdog.

“Hey, Jeff,” she said, leaning over to poke at his forehead, about the only part of him fully visible.

“Nggg.” Joker scrunched up his nose and ignored her.

“Jeff, give me back the duvet,” she said, raising her voice a little. She shuddered, rubbing her hands on her forearms, wishing for her temperature-controlled cabin on the Normandy.

Joker didn’t move. She thought she heard a fake snore.

“Seriously, Jeff, if you don’t stop stealing the duvet, I’m gonna tickle you until you give it back.”

Jane leapt from the mattress like a leopard, stalking around the bottom of the bed until she stood by Joker’s feet. Stifling a giggle, she began to root around under the duvet until she found a toe.

“Nooooooo,” Joker shouted, pulling his knees up to his chest. “Okay, okay, you win.”

With a grin, Jane returned to the bed, watching Joker unravel himself from the duvet. She tugged one end of it over herself, and snuggled underneath, feeling the warmth of Jeff’s body begin to wash over her. She made a noise like a contented cat.

“Better?” Joker mumbled.

“Much,” Jane replied. She scooted over and pressed herself against his skin, laughing as he yelped.

“You’re freezing!”

“Your fault. Warm me up, will you?”

She felt his arms go around her, pulling her into his chest as he grumbled softly, under his breath. She buried her face in his neck, feeling his beard tickling her cheeks. He smelled of coconut and spices.

“Love you, dickface,” she whispered into his ear, feeling the warmth of his breath against her ear as he huffed out a laugh.


	2. Kiss (naked)

It had been the longest of long days, Jane thought as she stripped off her armour, uncharacteristically leaving it scattered on the floor, dirty and scratched. Her hair was full of blood - God knows whose - and it hung around her face, clammy and smelling of death. She felt as if it had permeated her skin and she would never be clean again.

 

The shower was running as hot as she could stand it, steam billowing in clouds to the ceiling. She emptied out near enough a full bottle of lavender-scented shower gel into the palms of her hands. She couldn’t fucking stand the smell of lavender, but on balance it was slightly better than someone else’s rotten blood.

 

She was singing loudly and tunelessly - some song about hating everything and everyone that had been played all over the Citadel a few months earlier - when she felt a cool draught of air cutting through the hot steam, making her skin break out in goosebumps in more ways than one.

 

“Who the fu-” she began, before warm damp hands grabbed her around the waist and she felt a body pushing her up against the side of the shower, her breasts mashing against the perspex.

 

“Had to shut you up somehow, Shepard,” the body said, and Jane exhaled in relief.

 

“You fucker,” she said, wriggling to face Joker, who squinted down at her with a wide grin on his face.

 

“Language,” Joker said.

 

“Fuck you,” Jane said, smiling back at him. “Who do you think you are, some kind of moral monitor? You’re not going to stop me from swearing.”

 

“Oh, really?” Joker said, before leaning down and bringing his mouth to hers.

 

She didn’t have anything more to say.


	3. First Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one turned out to be longer than a drabble, it seems!

The music was suddenly too loud, and she was nowhere near drunk enough.  She sat on a low red sofa, staring into a vivid pink cocktail, wondering how many of them she had to drink to forget that tonight had ever happened.

She felt so stupid.

“You OK, Jane?”

Kaidan hovered beside her chair, gazing down with that stupid puppy-dog look that he often had. 

“I’m fine.  I just want to be alone for a while.”   
  
“If you’re sure?”

“I wouldn’t have said it if I wasn’t,” she snapped back, feeling a brief pang of regret when she saw the hurt look on his face.  She supposed that she had, theoretically, kicked the puppy.  It didn’t feel good.

“Okay, okay, Shepard.  You know where I am if you need me.”

Jane couldn’t think of a single circumstance where she would.

 

Once she was sure that Kaidan was gone, well out of her field of vision, she sighed and allowed a tear to trickle down her cheek.  Tonight had been an absolute, unmitigated disaster.  If someone asked her if she wanted to go one-on-one with a Reaper or replay the events of this evening, she knew it would be the Reaper every time.  She had been a complete fool, had clearly had far too much to drink even if she felt horribly sober now.

For years, she’d been holding it in, trying to convince herself that she didn’t have feelings for her pilot.  Accepting, okay, she did, but nothing was ever going to happen.  Realising that actually, damn it, she was pretty much in love with him even though he never once looked at her that way.  But there was no way she was ever going to say anything to him, nuh-uh, not a chance.  She was a professional.

Was.

Fuck damn it, how many cocktails had it taken?

It was Joker’s fault.  He had started talking to her about EDI.  EDI, for God’s sake - a bloody computer.  

***

“So, Shepard, tell me.  What do you think about me and EDI?”

It had felt like a punch to the gut.

“Uh… you and EDI?”

“Sure.  What do you say?”

She’d stood there feeling like a fish out of water, her mouth opening and closing, no sound coming out.

“Commander?  You OK?”

Joker tilted his head to one side, regarding her discomfort with a frown.

“Just surprised, is all,” she managed to stutter out. Then, before she could stop herself, she continued. “You know, with all this interest in EDI, it’s possible that you may have overlooked … other options.”

Jane would never forget the look on Joker’s face.  Shock, horror, panic as he’d grasped for something to say.

“Uh, no offence Commander, but I’ve never really considered it,” he said eventually, his voice shaky.

“And now that you are?”

_ Why  _ was she continuing?  She felt the hole she was digging for herself getting deeper and deeper.

“I’ve served with you since the day you took command.  I’d follow you into hell.”

Jane sighed.  “But not into my quarters.”

“Chain of command, Shepard.  In an alternative dimension without military ranks, I’d rock your world.”

“But in this one… EDI?”

“Yeah.  What do you reckon?”

Jane looked down into her drink.  She felt her knees begin to shake, felt a rise of bile pressing at her throat.  She had to force her next words out.

“Whatever you want.  No need to ask my permission.”

“Just wanted to know if you thought I was being stupid, is all, Commander.  Didn’t mean to upset you.”

“You haven’t,” Jane said, her prickling eyes and burning cheeks giving the lie to her words.

She watched Joker swallow hard, his eyes slipping away from hers and scanning the bar.  He looked desperate to escape.  Luckily for him, so was she.

“Good luck, anyway,” she said, patting his shoulder lightly and trying not to notice his wince.  “Whatever you decide.”

***

She’d picked up her drink then and headed off into the bar, into the noise and the crowds.  And now here she was, sitting alone in the midst of the party, crying into her glass.

Pathetic.  The famous Commander Shepard, hero of the Citadel, crying over some guy.  She had never felt so embarrassed.  She took another long swig of her cocktail, was surprised to find she had drained the glass.

At the bar, she leaned heavily against the countertop, trying to catch the turian barman’s attention.  No luck.  She let out a long angry sigh.

“It seems to me that if you were dressed more like the other women in here, you would get served faster Commander.”

EDI’s voice was loud and grating in her ear.  Jane grimaced.  She was really not in the mood to speak to the AI.

“Perhaps you should try to get served, then, EDI, given the way you look you’ll probably be first in every queue, don’t you think?  Ridiculous, the way you walk around.”

“This body was not my choice, Commander.  I see it as purely functional.”

Jane snorted.  “You’re literally the only one who does.”

“You appear to be angry, Commander,” EDI said, her face its usual mask.

“No shit,” Jane said, deciding to ditch the idea of a drink and return to sulking on the sofas.  Anything was better than having to speak to EDI right now.

***

She sat with her head on the table, buried in the crook of her elbow, trying to tune out the thumping bass and pretending she couldn’t feel the eyes of the Purgatory patrons burning into her back as they walked past.  She heard several of them say her name.  She ignored them.

Until she felt someone sit down gingerly next to her and touch her arm.  She knew that gait without even having to look.  Plus, she could smell him.  The subtle woody spice of his aftershave was unmistakable.

“Go away Joker,” she muttered into her arm.

“Not until you speak to me, properly,” he said, his voice low.

Reluctantly, she met his gaze, hoping her eyes didn’t look too red in the darkness of the club.  “What do you want?”

“EDI said you were sharp with her,” Joker said.

“What’s it to you?”

“She’s my friend, Shepard.  You had no right to speak to her that way just because of what I said to you earlier.”

“Friend,” Jane said, waving her hands in air quotes.

“You’re being childish,” Joker said.

“Ooh, you’d know all about that,” Jane said, inwardly cringing and knowing that he was right.

“What’s the matter with you, Shepard?” Joker’s words were angry, but the tone of his voice didn’t match.  “I’ve never seen you like this.  Is this all because I wouldn’t jump into bed with you?”

“I never asked you to jump into bed with me,” Jane said, blinking hard.

“I’m pretty sure you did,” Joker said, frowning.  “Other options, was that not how you put it?”

Jane groaned.  “Don’t remind me.  I wasn’t trying to seduce you, you know.  Anyway, can we just forget about it?  Please?”

Joker shook his head.  “Not really.  Not when it’s left you like this.  So, what were you trying to do?”

Jane buried her head in her arm again.  “Nothing.”

“I can’t hear you through your arm, you know, Shepard.  You might as well be speaking rachni.”

Jane closed her eyes and took a deep breath, before sitting up and looking Joker straight in the eye.

“Right, since you won’t shut up, I was trying to tell you I wanted to be with you.  Like, in a relationship with you, together kind of thing.  Not just sex.  Because I love you, okay?  God, I am such a complete idiot.  Now can we never talk about this again?”

Joker’s eyes were wide.  “You… love me?”

“Is that so hard to believe?”

“Well, yeah, in a word.  Why?”

“I don’t really want to talk about it to be honest, Jeff.  Please can we just move on, try to forget I ever said anything?”

Joker touched her hand.  “What if I don’t want to?”

“Well, I want to.  And you should respect that.  I would never have told you if you hadn’t kept badgering me.”

Joker huffed a laugh through his nose.  “Well, you know, it’s not exactly easy forgetting that a gorgeous woman is in love with you, but if that’s what you really want…”

Jane caught her breath and looked him full in the face.  “What?”

“You heard me.”

As she looked into Joker’s eyes, searching his face for some clue about where this conversation was headed, the music seemed to muffle and the people around her blurred into the background.

All thoughts were stopped when he leaned forward and pressed his lips against hers.  She gasped and blinked, and closed her eyes as he snaked one hand around the back of her head, pulling her in closer.  She felt his tongue push against her mouth, and opened up to him, the kiss becoming deeper and more passionate.  Her head felt full of wool and flashing lights.

When he eventually sat back, wiping his hand across his mouth, she took a deep breath and found her voice.

“What was that about?”

Joker smiled at her.  “I wasn’t about to risk my position for some quickie in your quarters, Shepard.  And besides,”  he looked down and blushed - actually blushed - “I’m really not into one night stands, as it happens.  Not my thing.”

“Thought you were a ladies’ man myself,” Jane said.  “What with all the wisecracks and comments.”

“Yeah, well.  Gotta keep up my image,” Joker said with a wry smile.  “I swear, I had no idea you were serious. Kinda thought you were messing with me, anyway.  Then I hear you’re going round the club biting people’s heads off, and I start to wonder.  So here I am.”

“Here you are,” Jane echoed.  “Now what?”

“Come on, let’s get out of here.”

***

They sat on Jane’s sofa, limbs entangled, her hands running along his back while he traced the outline of her breasts through her thick hoodie.  Her lips felt swollen and her chin was sore.  She never wanted to stop.

“Do you want to stop?” she breathed as he began to press kisses to her neck.

He peered up at her, smiling.  “Does it seem like I do?”

She laughed. “No.”

She stretched out as he unzipped her hoodie and slid it off her shoulders, kissing down to the neckline of the loose T-shirt she wore underneath.  His hands cupped her breasts and she moaned as his thumbs circled her nipples.

“God, you’re beautiful,” he said, his voice husky.

“So are you,” Jane said, running her palm down the side of his face, feeling the bristles of his beard springing back against her skin.

Joker laughed and shook his head.  “Literally the first time anyone’s ever said that to me,” he said.

Jane frowned,  “Great joke.  One of your best.”

“No joke.  I’m serious.”

“Ah come on, look at you,” Jane said.  “You’re gorgeous, don’t say nobody has ever pointed that out to you before.”

“Nope,” he said lightly.  “Not once.  I think I probably scare them away with my spiky charm.  Besides, I kind of hate people.  Can’t exactly expect them to think much of me in return.”

“Surely there are ex-girlfriends though who would’ve said nice things?”

Joker shook his head.  “No girlfriends.  How d’you think I got so good at flying? No time for anything else.”

“You seem to have plenty of time to surf the extranet.”

Joker snickered.  “Well, yeah.  That’s the uncomplicated stuff.  I don’t have to take it out for dinner afterwards.”

Jane raised her eyebrows.  “Does that mean I’m not getting dinner?”

“I might make an exception for you.”

“ _ Such _ a gentleman.”

“I’ll show you how much of a gentleman I am,” Joker said with a laugh, as he pushed Jane back on to the bed and began to kiss her again.

***

Jane felt as though her skin was on fire.   _ How have I got here _ , she thought wonderingly,  _ an hour ago I was breaking my heart, and now… _

Now she was arching her back as Joker kissed her breasts, her stomach twisting, her thighs damp.  She was making odd little noises that seemed to come from the pit of her belly, and she could feel beads of sweat prickling on her brow.  She whined as his tongue circled her nipple, her fingers tangled in his hair.

He looked up at her, his cheeks flushed, his eyes hooded and glazed.

“Please, Jeff,” she said with a low sigh.  “Please, I want you.  I want to feel you.”

Joker blinked and she could feel him tremble against her.  When he spoke, there was a catch in his throat making his voice rough and shaky.

“God, Jane, I want to.  I want to.  It’s just…”

“No one night stands, I know.  But this isn’t.  Is it?”

He shook his head, never taking his eyes off her face.  “Not for me.  This is, hell, this is big.”

Jane smiled.  “For me, too.  I love you, Jeff.”

“Ah, jeez.  You’re something else.  What are you doing to me?”  Joker gave her a weak grin.

Jane wriggled on the bed so that her thigh pressed against Joker’s groin.  “I think I’m doing that,” she said, raising her eyebrows.  Joker groaned.

“You’re killing me, that’s what,” he said, pushing against her a little harder.

Jane leaned forward and whispered into his ear.  “Don’t die before I can feel you inside me, please.”

The noise Joker made then was almost inhuman, she thought.  He sounded like an agonised animal, but the look on his face gave her a pure thrill.

“Touch me,” she breathed, drawing her thin satin knickers down her thighs, leaving her naked and spread out on the bed before him.  Joker’s eyes widened even further, but he didn’t hesitate.

Jane whimpered as she felt his hands - his clever, agile fingers - dance lightly along her folds, tracing the outline of her sex, finding her sunlight-hot and soaking wet.  She closed her eyes and murmured faint encouragement, her head spinning, her groin aching almost painfully with need.

“Just like that,” she whispered, as she felt his thumb press gently against her clit, another finger sinking inside her.  He drew a galaxy map with his fingertips across her sex, touching every part of her with light strokes and insistent presses.  Jane arched her back, mewling her pleasure as she felt her muscles tighten, her body beginning to hurtle towards its peak.

She said his name over and over, breathless and desperate.

“Jeff, oh Jeff, oh Jeff, please, please.”

When he pressed a warm tongue against her clit and teased her, she screamed, her legs clamping together around his cheeks, his beard scraping the soft skin of her thighs.  She felt lights pop behind her eyelids, her head filling with sparks, her whole body melting and fizzing.  Nothing in her wildest fantasies had prepared her for how good this felt.

She collapsed in a boneless heap, limbs loose and sagging against the sheets, her lip sore from being bitten, her heart thumping in her chest, far harder and more dizzying than in any battle.

Joker pulled himself to lay by her side, smiling.  “So did that feel okay, then?”

“Mm-hmm.  I have no words,” she said, reaching out a hand to stroke his beard.  “Other than, you are the best.  Ever.”

“Those are words.  Those are pretty good words,” he said.

She laughed, a musical sound in the quiet of the room.  “How about these ones:  your turn now.”

Jeff let out a loud moan.  “Oh yeah.  Those are  _ great _ words.”

Jane’s eyes narrowed and she smiled at him like a panther as she rolled over atop him, straddling his waist and running her fingers down through the light hair which dusted his chest.

“God, you are so fucking sexy,” she said, feeling the sweat on his skin as she skated her hands along his body.  She wriggled, feeling his erection bump against her wet centre, watching him screw his eyes shut as he struggled to control his reactions.  She leaned forward and kissed him softly.

  
“Tell me you want me,” she whispered into his ear.

“Oh fuck, Jane, I’ve never wanted anything more.”

“Not even to pilot the Normandy?”

“Ah, come on, that’s not fair!”

Jane huffed a laugh and leaned over to kiss his neck.  She dragged soft, gentle lips down across his chest, peppering him with kisses and tiny nips as he breathed hard and loud, shaking his head and curling his fingers into fists.  When she ran her tongue along the length of his erection, he bucked his hips beneath her and cried out.

“Ah Jane, ah please, not too much.  I won’t be able to...  I need to be inside you.”

She took him in her mouth once, sliding her lips down over him, taking him into her throat, before pulling back.

“You ready?”

Joker just nodded, his chest heaving.

She slithered her body into position, her skin shimmering, her cocoa-brown eyes locked with his green as she shifted her hips and sank down onto him, feeling him push deeply within her.  Once he was buried there, she stilled, watching his reactions, feeling her muscles clamping down on his length.  She squeezed experimentally and smiled as his face crumpled in a desperate war of self control and unbridled ecstasy.

“You feel amazing,” she said as she began to move, grinding her hips against his, feeling him filling her, over and over.  The pace was slow, gentle, and he never stopped looking into her eyes.  She felt her heart swell with the intimacy of it.  Never would have thought it would feel like this, not with him.  She’d imagined that he would be more detached, more about the physical sensation.  This Jeff, this intense and  _ connected _ Jeff, was a surprise, but the most incredible surprise possible.

_ It feels real _ , she thought as he raised his hand to rest against her cheek.   _ It feels like we can truly see each other, as we are. _

“You’re amazing,” Joker said, his voice low and rough.  Then his head fell back against the pillow and his hands came down to hold her hips, his fingers digging into her skin.  She increased the tempo, clenching him inside her as she rode him, taut and quivering, her forehead sheened with sweat.

“Oh, Jane,” he said brokenly, and then the only sounds he could make were incoherent whimpers as his body wracked and shuddered with his climax.

She  stayed above him for some minutes feeling him soften and relax beneath her, watching his eyelids flutter, enjoying the smile that played across his face.  Finally, she rolled over beside him, accepting his arm around her as she snuggled into his damp chest.  His breaths were still heavy and rough, his body quivering like a plucked guitar string.

He cracked open an eyelid and gazed down at her.

“People are gonna talk, you know.  Plus, Kaidan’s going to hate me.”

Jane smiled up at him.  “Pretty sure he already does.  And I don’t care.”

“That makes two of us, then.”

She laughed softly.  “It’s only ever been you, you know.”

Joker’s lips parted, his eyes widening.  “You mean, what, you’ve wanted to do this for how long?”

“Uh, probably since, you know, Eden Prime.”

“Eden… Our first ever mission?”

Jane looked up at him sheepishly.  “Yeah, kind of.  I suppose I was attracted to you right off the bat.  Must have been the attitude.”

“Or maybe the beard?”

“Could be.”

Joker shook his head slowly and pulled her closer to his side.

“Well, I’m glad.”

  
“Me, too.”


	4. Masturbation

Everyone else was on shore leave.  No doubt getting hammered in Purgatory, Joker would have bet that at least one of the crew would wake up in a strange bed with a head full of regrets in the morning.

He had decided to stay behind and spend a bit of private time surfing the extranet on the high-def screens in the cockpit.  Ever since he had seen Commander Shepard, alive and hale, sparkling with an energy he never imagined he would see again, he had been full of confusion.  The guilt was still there, and so was the grief.  Where was the grief meant to go, now?  It had been too powerful to simply vanish, as if it had never been.

But there was something else, too.  Something which stood in such opposition to his other feelings that he was in a permanent state of mental disarray.

He had dreams about his commanding officer.  Vivid dreams full of colour, noise and scents.  Some of them were about flames and smoke, the icy cold tendrils of space cutting through the bright heat of the explosion.  Some of them were about her funeral, the times he would sit at her grave, even knowing that it was empty.

Some of them - hell, most of them, these days - were something else entirely.  He would wake up from those dreams with a sheen of sweat layering his skin and his groin throbbing painfully.

Those dreams were starting to intrude into his waking thoughts now, causing a distraction.  Distractions were not good.  Especially not now that he had that bloody AI breathing down his neck.

There was nothing for it but to look up that movie - the one that the crew members dare not mention - and hope that it got these urges out of his system.

Joker locked the door to the cockpit - feeling glad of the new design - and settled back into the comfortable leather pilot’s seat.  

The actress in the movie didn’t even look that much like Shepard.  Her hair was dyed a coppery red, not the natural vibrant auburn of the real thing.  She was thinner, too, and her breasts were too big and artificial.  She looked like what she was - a porn star - not what she was trying to be.  But still, she wore the Alliance-issue clothing that Shepard used to live in, and she had clearly worked hard on the accent.  So long as Joker squinted slightly and used his imagination…

On the screen in front of him, not-Shepard unzipped her N7 hoodie and shrugged out of it, stepped out of her BDUs and stood naked in the medbay of the fake Normandy.  Hey, the set was pretty good at least, Joker thought.  The woman playing Chakwas actually looked quite a lot like her.

Except, Chakwas had never stripped naked in the medbay and masturbated herself with a brandy bottle.  Joker felt his eyes burning and closed them until the scene changed.

Not-Shepard was lying on a metal-topped table now, her legs spread, touching herself and moaning while a few crew members gathered around her to watch.  Joker realised with a start that one of the participants was wearing an SR1 baseball cap and a beard.   _ Hey, that’s meant to be me.  Surely I’m better looking than that? _

One of the men stepped forward on the screen.  Hair in a slight quiff, olive skin, hazel eyes.  About the only resemblance to Kaidan, even though not-Shepard looked at the camera and breathed, “Ooh, Staff Lieutenant Alenko, I give the commands round here, and I command you to eat my pussy!”

Joker coughed out a laugh, trying to imagine the real Shepard saying something so cringeworthy.

The actor playing Kaidan was going at his role with gusto, and Joker was beginning to get into the movie.  He unzipped his pants and began to stroke himself, imagining what it would feel like to be in the scene with the real Commander Shepard.  He watched not-Kaidan as he pulled the woman’s thighs apart and began to fuck her with abandon.  Joker began to drift away, imagining that his hand was Commander Shepard’s hand, or her mouth, or her…

“And just what are you doing still on the ship?”

Joker froze for a microsecond at his commander’s voice before frantically scrabbling to switch off the movie and tuck himself back into his pants all at the same time.

“Shepard… wh… what are you doing here?  And how did you override the doors?”

“I’m the commander of this ship, Joker, she does what I ask her to do.  You were ordered to take some shore leave but nobody has seen you on the Citadel, I figured I’d find you here.  What were you doing that was so secretive, anyway?”

“Uh, nothing.  Just chilling.”

Joker inwardly cursed at how shaky his voice sounded.

“Right,” Shepard said, a lopsided smile on her face.  “You spend half your life in this bloody chair.  It’s time you had a break. Come on, get yourself out of here.  That’s an order.”

“You got it, Commander.”

“I expect to see you in Purgatory later, then.”

  
Joker felt as if he was already there.


	5. Blow job

Commander Shepard waited for the elevator doors to close before her serious expression cracked and she began to giggle.  Heck, she  _ never _ giggled, but somehow it was the sound coming out of her mouth right now.

She had expected to see Joker sitting in his chair surfing the extranet.  She had even half-expected to see something she might not want to on the screen in front of him.

She hadn’t expected to see a poor approximation of herself and Kaidan Alenko going at it on a medbay table while actors dressed like Joker, Garrus and Dr Chakwas stood around watching and frantically masturbating.

She had been about to make a wildly inappropriate comment about her tits not looking anything like  _ that  _ when she had realised two things.  One, that Joker had no idea that she had entered the cockpit.  And two, that he had his cock in his hand and was pumping it vigorously while making soft breathy noises, eyes fixed firmly on the screen.

Quietly, she had stepped back to the doors and announced her presence as if she had just set foot through them.

“And just what are you doing still on the ship?”

The poor guy.  His face had been an absolute picture.  She’d never seen him blush or stammer, never seen him virtually lost for words.  The thought of it made her giggle again.

Kaidan Alenko, though.  That would never happen.  There was only one person in the whole of her career who could’ve made her break regs.

And he’d just been masturbating to an image of someone pretending to be her.  She shivered, feeling a tingle rush through her body.

What if she hadn’t left him there, sitting in the cockpit all flustered and embarrassed?

What if she’d somehow let him know she’d seen him?

What if…

What if she had just walked over to him, lifted his wrist and wrapped her own cool fingers around his shaft?  What would he have done?

Probably reported her.  Watching and wanting were two very different things, and Joker had never once given her the slightest clue that he was attracted to her.  She’d have picked up on it like a shot if he had.

But what if.

She stepped into her quarters and flung herself down on to her bed, thinking.

***

She crouched down beside his chair, silent as a mouse, watching the expression on his face, his half-closed lids, the way his tongue moistened his lips as he focused on the scene in front of him.

Keeping her voice low, she murmured in his ear, “Hey, Joker.”

He almost flew out of his chair, blinking furiously and immediately flushing a bright red as he desperately tried to cover himself.

“Fuck, Shepard, I could’ve broken my legs!”

“But you didn’t.  Hey, maybe I could give you a hand with that?”

“What the fuck?”

“Come on, Jeff, why would you want to watch this shit - she doesn’t even look like me, by the way - when you can have the real thing?”

Joker stared at her, speechless.

“Sit back down, will you?  You’re making me feel uncomfortable,” Shepard said.

“ _ You’re _ uncomfortable?  Holy Christ.”  Joker shook his head, but sank back into the chair, still hunched over to hide his groin.

“Why don’t you let me?” Shepard said, touching his hands and pulling them away gently.  His erection had wilted, which she didn’t think was a surprise.

On the screen, fake Shepard and Kaidan were still fucking, while the actor who played Joker had walked over to his “commander” and had unzipped his pants, displaying a rigid and overly large penis.  As they watched, the woman on screen opened her red-painted lips and began to suckle on the tip of the man’s cock.

“Would you like me to do that to you?” Shepard asked her pilot, who was still struggling to meet her eye.

“Oh God.  I am in a nightmare,” he muttered, shaking his head.  “I am going to wake up any minute, any minute.”

“Tell me to leave, if you want me to,” Shepard said.  “And we will never speak of it again.”

Joker finally looked her in the face, scrutinising her as if to check if she was messing with him.

“Why would you do this?” he asked, his voice shaky.

“Because I want to,”  she said, simply.

Joker groaned and lay back in his chair, his hands falling to his sides.  His cock began to swell as Shepard leaned over it, blowing hot breath over his skin.

“Oh, please,” Joker said.  “Yes, please.”

Shepard ran her tongue across the head of Joker’s cock, feeling it twitch against her lips.  She pressed light kisses along the whole shaft before taking the tip into her mouth, moaning softly as she felt him stiffen.  Slowly, she took more of his length between her lips, sliding them back and forth and tightening around him.

Joker whimpered, his fingers tapping out an unsteady rhythm on the armrests of his chair.

“Oh God, Shepard… so warm,” he said, sounding far away.

She continued to lavish him with kisses, her tongue circling and twisting around his shaft, taking his full length into her throat, humming a light vibration against the softness of his skin.  She could taste the saltiness of him, smell the spicy musk of his arousal.  It made her press her thighs together tightly and feel the dampness between them.

She touched him between his thighs, dragging her fingernails along the downy skin, pulling the pads of her fingertips across his balls, stroking lightly.  He whined and wriggled in his chair, as if the pleasure of her touch was too much, but his fingers in her hair told her not to stop.

“Fuck, Shepard, I’m gonna…” he said, and then his hips rose and she felt him pulse and spill into her mouth, the taste of him on her tongue.  She took him all in, held him between her lips until he softened, and only then did she sit back, wiping her lips.

Joker looked dazed, but he had a smile on his face as he gazed down at her.

“I still think I’m dreaming,” he said, before leaning over and kissing her on the lips.

***

  
“No you’re not,” Shepard said, looking up at her skylight.  “I am.”


	6. Clothed getting off

The sushi bar had been every bit as good as the recommendations had suggested.

Though perhaps, Jane thought, they should have had one less bottle of wine.

She slumped against the window of the shuttle taxiing them back to her apartment, her head swimming as the neon lights of the Citadel raced past.

“Hey,” Joker said in her ear, his hot breath against her skin making her shiver.  She turned her eyes to his, feeling a flutter in her stomach as she took in the intensity in his gaze.  

“What?” she murmured, feeling the alcohol zip out of her system and a tingle grow between her thighs.

“About ten minutes before we get back to ours,” he said, his voice husky.  “Can’t wait to get that dress off you.”

“Hmmm,” Jane said, sounding like a contented cat.  “And then what?”

Joker laughed softly.  “And then I’m going to rock your world.”

Jane touched his lips with one finger.  “Why wait?”

She watched Joker’s eyes widen before he sighed and leaned in to kiss her.  She tangled her fingers in his hair and pressed her mouth into his hungrily.

When they broke apart, Joker was breathing heavily, his eyes glazed.  Jane gave him a wicked grin before sliding her hand up his leg.

“What…?” Joker began, before his voice slid into a low groan as Jane’s fingers glided over the bulge in his pants.

Jane snickered and leaned forward to whisper in his ear.

“I want to feel you,” she said, breathlessly.  “I want to feel every inch of you deep inside me.  I want you to fuck me harder than you ever have before.”

“Shit, Jane,” Joker shuddered as she curled her fingers around his erection and gently squeezed.  “The pilot’s gonna hear us.”

“Don’t care,” she said, rubbing her hand back and forth as he wriggled in his seat.

His head fell back against the seat as he closed his eyes and chewed on his lower lip.  She continued her ministrations as his hips bucked up into her hand, grinding against her.

“Christ,” he muttered, his eyes darting between Jane’s face and the shuttle pilot, who was determinedly focusing on the controls.  She grinned and increased the pressure, leaving Joker a whining, panting mess writhing like a rattlesnake.

“I couldn’t wait until we got home,” Jane said.  “I want to see you come.”

Joker groaned, one hand on Jane’s breast, the other creeping up her thigh to brush against her damp cotton knickers.  “How are you so wet?”

“Because I love doing this to you,” she said.

“Oh,” Joker said, the word sounding like a short sharp exhale of breath.  Then he screwed his eyes shut, his breaths coming sharp and fast.

“Come for me,” Jane whispered, and he did.


	7. Dressed/naked (half dressed)

 

They had barely fallen through the door of Shepard’s quarters when she began to pull at Joker’s belt buckle.  Her cheeks were pink, her lips swollen from the kissing in the elevator, her eyes were narrowed and flashing with desire.

“God, I want you so much,” she said.  “All night I’ve been thinking about this.”

“You and me both,” Joker said, walking Shepard back towards her bed as she fumbled with his pants.

“Come on,” Shepard said, her words rough in her throat.  She pushed at his waistband, breathing heavily.

“Steady, Jane,” Joker said with a laugh.  “You trip me up, I won’t be doing anything except lie in the medbay.”

“Sorry,” she said, “I just need you now.”

She felt her knees bump against the bed and gently pushed Joker down on to the mattress, his BDUs loose around his hips.  She leaned forward and tugged them down, exposing his thighs and the bulge in his boxers.

Joker let out a low chuckle.  “Hey, you really can’t wait, huh?”

“Not one more minute,” Jane said, as she slid her black cotton knickers down and kicked them away across her cabin.  She swung one knee over Joker’s thighs and straddled him, gazing down into his eyes, her teeth digging into her lower lip.

There, with her black dress rucked up over her hips, with his boxers hooked down beneath his erection, she lowered herself and took him inside, her eyelids flickering.

“Ah,” Joker breathed.  “You feel so good.”

“Lie still,” she ordered, leaning over him.

She sank down until his hip bones dug into her thighs, tightening herself around him as his breathing hitched and stuttered.  Slowly, she gyrated her body over him, feeling the friction of him moving within her.  His eyes were closed, his hands on her hips.  She could see a line of perspiration shining on his upper lip.

“Oh, fuck me Jane, fuck me,” he said, and she increased her pace, grinding her pelvis gently against him, clenching her muscles around him as she felt her body responding to the sensation of being filled.

“Touch me,” she said, and he pressed his fingers against her clitoris, groaning as he felt himself sliding into her, her wet heat coating his skin.

He always felt so good, she thought as she lifted and lowered her body, feeling sweat pooling under the leather of her dress which clung to her like a thick second skin.  His cock swelling inside her, the calloused pads of his fingertips rubbing in circles around her clit, the soft wet sounds of their bodies coming together.  She felt her skin start to prickle, a low insistent tingle begin to pulse in her belly.

“Just like that,” she said, and watched his face as she began to clamp down on him, as her body began to shudder with the breaking waves of orgasm.  Then she was lost, her thoughts spiralling away into the night, her body a mass of electricity and heat.

As she came back into her own head, as her mind began to clear, she felt his fingernails dig into her hips through the leather of the dress, watched his eyes as they began to glaze, felt him thrust up into her once, twice, and then hold himself there as his body trembled and quivered.  Words came out of his mouth half-formed, nonsense sounds, said through a haze of lust and insensibility.  She pushed her hands under his shirt, feeling the dampness of his skin and the wiry hair on his belly scrape against her palms.

They stayed that way for maybe half a minute, though it felt far longer, panting for breath and staring into each other’s faces.  He looked younger, open and relaxed.  She wondered if she looked the same, if for once she could seem human instead of just a soldier, a soldier with the weight of the world bearing down on her.

“I love you,” she said, a note of sadness in her voice.

“Hey,” Joker said, reaching up to wipe away a tear from her cheek.  “It’s not that bad, is it?  I mean, surely I’m not that awful to love?”

Shepard gave a watery laugh.  “You are too easy to love.  I just never want it to end.”

  
“And so it never will,” Joker said.  “Whatever happens, we will always have this. Never forget it, Jane. I love you too.”


	8. Skype

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, taken a bit of a liberty with this one, but Skype doesn't really fit in the ME world!

Jane collapsed into the seat of the shuttle, wiping blood off her visor.  Some party that had been, she thought.  Talk about crashing it.  At least Kasumi had her greybox back, and at least she wouldn’t have to wear that ridiculous dress any more.  She’d been willing to help the other woman retrieve her most treasured possession… until Kasumi had produced the dress.  Tight and short and made from a velvet the colour of deep space, and about as far outside her comfort zone as she could possibly get.  And that was before the shoes.

How Hock had ever thought that she was anyone other than military, she had no clue.  She cringed as she thought back on her arrival at the party, tottering along like a newborn foal on her heels.  She had felt as if she had a big flashing arrow pointing at her head with the words “NOT REALLY A PARTY PERSON! ONLY HERE TO ROB YOU!” written on it.

Her earpiece crackled and came to life.

“Everything OK, Shepard?”

Joker sounded more concerned than usual.  Probably worried that she was going to break her ankles in those stupid shoes.

“All good.  Party’s pretty much over, given the host is currently dead.”

“Currently?”

Shepard laughed.  “Given my own experiences, I can never be entirely certain such things are permanent these days.”

“So, Shepard.  You still wearing that dress?”

The concern was gone from his tone now, replaced by something completely different.

“Nope,” she said brightly, “God knows where it is, too, somewhere back at the apartment I’m guessing.  Just the usual blood spattered armour right now.”

“Aw come on Jane,” Joker wheedled, “let a guy have his fantasy, huh?”

“About a dress?  Is that all it takes?”

Jane noticed Kasumi raise an eyebrow from the seat opposite her, and waved her hand dismissively.

“You gotta admit, that dress was something else.  Never seen you done up like that before.  You got great legs, Shepard.  You should show them off more often.”

“Not very practical, Jeff,” she said.

“Great legs,” he said again, “especially when they’re up round my shoulders.”

“Jeff,” she said, a warning note in her tone.  Kasumi was grinning as if she could hear him.

Joker ignored her.

“You know what I’m going to do when you get back here?” he said in her ear, his voice low and soft like he was telling her a secret. Which, Shepard supposed, he was.  As far as she knew, nobody else on the ship had a clue about their fledgling affair.

“Not a clue,” she said, trying to keep her tone breezy.

“I’m going to lie you down on that big soft bed of yours, and I’m gonna take off your clothes one piece at a time, real slow.  Whenever I see your skin, I’ll kiss you there.  Your neck, your collarbone, your chest.  Your amazing breasts.  You know, you have such incredible breasts, right?”

Shepard coughed, feeling her cheeks flare with heat.

“So I’ll kiss both your breasts, one at a time.  I’ll roll your nipples between my lips, run my tongue over them.  I’ll lick the sweat from that dip in between,” Joker said.  His voice was developing an unmistakable husky tone.

“Jeff,” she said weakly, shifting on her seat.

“I’ll kiss down your stomach, the wonderful soft skin you have there, the tight muscles just underneath.  You remind me of a big cat, you know, Shepard?  Like velvet stretched over sinew.  God, I want you so bad right now.”

“Mm-hm,” Shepard said, feeling sweat bead on her brow.  She tried not to look at Kasumi.

“I’ll bury my face between your thighs and I’ll kiss you there, first with my lips, then with my tongue,” he said, his voice shaking.  “I’ll tease you and taste you and lick you until you’re squirming, until you can’t bear it any longer.  I love the way you taste.  I love the way you whimper when I do that to you.  You sound so different, then.  So unguarded.”

Shepard swore under her breath.  Kasumi giggled.

“And when I’ve got you there, right at the point where you are desperate, where you’re begging me to make you come, I’ll push myself inside you.  You’ll wrap those long, long legs around me and I’ll fuck you until you scream my name.  I want to be inside you so much, Jane.  Christ, I’m so turned on it hurts.”

Shepard pressed her thighs together, feeling the slick pool in her underwear.

“Yeah,” she said.  It was all she could manage.

“Get back here now, OK?” he said.  “No messing about.  Over and out.”

With that, he terminated the connection to her earpiece.  Shepard felt suddenly bereft.

“Oh,” she said, her voice a whisper.

“Everything OK back at the Normandy?” Kasumi said, a lopsided smile on her face.

Shepard shook her head, then realised how that could be interpreted.

“Uh, yeah.  All good,” she said, forcing herself to meet the other woman’s eyes.  “Joker was just giving me an update.”

“Uh-huh,” Kasumi said.  “It was clearly an exciting update, too, given how breathless you are.  You look like you’ve just been fucked seven ways ‘til Sunday.”

Shepard spluttered a laugh, which sounded high and false even to her.  “He was just winding me up about the dress.  I told you that thing was embarrassing.”

“Hmm,” Kasumi said.  “I’ve got another one in green, if you want it?”

“Why would I?”

Kasumi snorted.  “I’ll bring it to your quarters later.  Mind, I’ll make sure I knock before I come in.  Wouldn’t want to disturb you.”

  
Shepard’s response would have made Jack proud.


	9. Against the wall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Or against the fish tank...

Shepard looked like a faerie from a mythical story, Joker thought, as he watched her slowly strip off her clothes, lit only by the azure glow of the fish tank behind her.  The wavering reflection of the water danced over her exposed skin, and she looked ethereal and strangely fragile.

“Turn around”, he told her, as she removed the last scrap of fabric from her body.

She crooked one eyebrow but obeyed him without a sound, presenting him with her round and firm buttocks, the curve of her back, the way her red hair swayed like a waterfall of lava down past her shoulders,

“Bend over,” he said.

She curled in at the waist, her hair falling across her face, her breasts lifting away from her body and swinging freely, nipples pointing at the floor.

“Put your hands against the glass,” Joker said, and she did, her palms flat, her fingers spreading.  She didn’t look at him, simply listened and did what he asked.

“Open your legs,” Joker said, a hitch in his voice.

He watched, chewing on his lower lip, as she spread her thighs and presented herself to him.  He could see her sex gleaming in the low light, puffy and swollen.  She stood like this, quivering and solid, while he raked his gaze over her naked body.

Slowly he pulled himself upright from the sofa and walked towards her. 

For the longest time, he stood beside her, just looking.  Taking in every inch of her pale skin, washed with turquoise and shimmering.  Watching her tremble under his gaze, her body taut with anticipation of what might come next.

Without any warning, he ran his finger along the length of her sex, rubbing it through her juices and finishing with a delicious curl around the bud of her clit.  Shepard let out the loudest wail he had ever heard, almost inhuman in its intensity.  Her body shook and she pressed her thighs together.

“Be quiet,” he said, trying hard to keep his voice steady and firm.

Shepard blew out a hard breath and her eyes fluttered closed.

Joker parted her thighs with his hands, feeling the stickiness of her arousal coating her skin and running down her legs.  Christ.  He’d barely touched her, and she was in this state.  He shook his head in disbelief.

“Keep your legs apart,” he said.

Joker reached for one of the sofa cushions, throwing it on the floor behind Shepard’s heels.  With a sigh, he lowered himself to his knees, his hands still gripping her thighs.

“You are so beautiful,” he murmured, his hot breath playing over her slit.  She shivered, and he let out a long puff of air which made her jump and make a noise like a boiling kettle.

“I told you to be quiet,” he said.  “Don’t make a sound.  That’s an order.”

Shepard nodded.  Her whole body was poised as if she was about to run in an Olympic sprint.

Joker leaned forward and licked a hard stripe along her sex.  He could hear her breathing, fighting to stay silent.  She tasted of musk and spice, clean and rich.  He ran his mouth over her again and again, revelling in the shudders that broke through her body like the waves of a tsunami.  He dipped into her, kissed her folds, pressed the tip of his tongue over her clit, made long hard licks and small teasing flickers until she was barely able to support her own weight, her knees wobbling, her breath catching, her eyes screwed tightly shut as she fought the urge to cry out.

He snaked one hand beneath her body, cupping her breast in his palm, feeling her stiff little nipple pressing into his fingers.

When he wrapped his lips around her clit and suckled, she let out a long shaky breath and he felt her spring taut like elastic, like a catapult about to fire.  Then she was shuddering and sobbing, her pelvis undulating, tears rolling down her cheeks as her orgasm swept over her.

Joker sat back on his haunches, catching his breath and wiping her juices from his beard.  Shepard had regained some semblance of control and had resumed her position, standing with her hands braced against the tank and her legs parted.

“Don’t move,” he managed to say, before pulling himself to his feet, his body aching.

_ So  _ worth it, though.

And so was this.

He was achingly hard as he freed himself from his pants, so aroused that the brush of his own hand was almost too much.  He had to feel her, though.  Needed her wet heat around him, needed to feel the clench of her body as she took him within her.  Nobody could make him feel the way she did.

It felt like coming home.

He slid into her, letting out a soft curse as the friction of her tightening around him sent stars spinning through his vision.  His fingertips gripped her hips, steadying her as she trembled and bucked beneath his hands.  He set a slow pace, gliding forward and back, one hand curling round to press against her clit.  She whined.

“Quiet,” he reminded her.

It was agonising, this slowness, this steady pace, when he knew that all she would want was to be fucked hard and fast.  She tried to grind back against him, tried to shift her own hips to increase his speed.  He slapped her across the buttocks.

“Do as you are told.  Stay still.”

She inhaled hard through her nose, but stopped her movements.

In, out.  Slow, gentle.  She was so soft, so soft and wet, and she felt so good.  In, out.

When he felt his own climax begin to build within him, when he felt that familiar pressure, he dug his nails in and began to drive into her.  This was what she wanted and he heard her groan low in her throat as he quickened his thrusts, scything his hips as hard as he dared, all the while feeling himself cresting, hitting the wave…

She came seconds before he did, her body clamping down on him, fluttering and pulsing around him, still the only sound her panting breaths.  He reached around her body, holding on to her breasts like a rodeo rider as he spilled himself within her, cursing and telling her that he loved her, he loved her.

Afterwards, lying on the bed, Shepard ran her hands through his hair, holding her palm against his cheek as she gazed into his eyes.

“So how did it feel, being the one in control?” she asked, a glimmer in her eye.

Joker let out a loose, shaky breath, a smile playing over his features.

“Was good to know I could be,” he said.  “Was it OK for you?”

  
Shepard stretched out like a panther.  “It was the best.”


End file.
